Stepmother
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
10 signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than Microsoft.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 Club subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Petrova, your Russian mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than Microsoft.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 Club subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Petrova, your Russian mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
A frog calls a psychic
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
State of our Nation - Ants and Grasshoppers!!
Brilliant one.. must read!!
OLD VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper. Opposition MP's stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demands a Judicial Enquiry. CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about "equality of poverty" among ants and grasshoppers.
Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.
Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational Insititutions & in Govt Services.
The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.
Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'Revolutionary resurgence of the Downtrodden, Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later...The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar company in silicon valley. 100's of grasshoppers still die of starvation somewhere in India ....
OLD VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper. Opposition MP's stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demands a Judicial Enquiry. CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about "equality of poverty" among ants and grasshoppers.
Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.
Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational Insititutions & in Govt Services.
The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.
Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'Revolutionary resurgence of the Downtrodden, Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later...The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar company in silicon valley. 100's of grasshoppers still die of starvation somewhere in India ....
The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "Do you see that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "Do you see that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
How Plasma TV's are made
If you're one of the many people replacing an unwieldy tube-based TV with plasma technology, you'll want to take a look at what goes on behind the screen
The process begins with the manufacturing of thin glass sheets. Plasma display-panel makers normally cut six 42-in. glass panels and four 50-in. panels from a large mother-glass-sheet. TV makers use the whole glass sheet to make a mammoth panel measuring bigger than 100 inches.
In a plasma display panel, two glass sheets sandwich a gas that turns electric signals into glowing plasma to produce visible light. High electric voltage is applied through “bus electrodes” and “sustain electrodes” to create plasma. On top of the back glass substrate, red, green, and blue phosphorescent chemicals coat divided chambers to generate different colors.
An address electrode serves as a light switch. Plasma generates ultra-violet light that stimulates phosphorescent chemicals to produce different colors of visible light. Unlike in an LCD panel, no back light is needed in a plasma display device.Engineers operate robots through computers to print phosphorescent chemicals on the back substrate of a plasma display panel.
Printed circuit boards are added to the plasma display panels to make the modules that are then sent to TV makers. Printed circuits are used to send a signal to each pixel.
Workers package plasma display modules to place them in boxes before sending them to TV manufacturers who add TV signal receivers, speakers, control panels, and covers to make sets.
Members at the quality control unit check image quality of plasma TVs.
Flat panel plasmas and LCDs vie for a spot at home, as the new era of high-definition home theater finally arrives.
Achieving More at Work
The next time someone tells you that they want you to give 100% - do one better and give 103%! Here's how.....
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's to achieving 103%. Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!
If...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then...
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
But...
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However...
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's to achieving 103%. Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!
If...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then...
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
But...
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However...
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
(Trailer) Rocky Balboa
The greatest underdog story of our time is back for one final round of the Academy Award-winning Rocky franchise, former heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa steps out of retirement and back into the ring, pitting himself against a new rival in a dramatically different era.
After a virtual boxing match declares Rocky Balboa the victor over current champion Mason "The Line" Dixon, the legendary fighter's passion and spirit are reignited. But when his desire to fight in small, regional competitions is trumped by promoters calling for a rematch of the cyber-fight, Balboa must weigh the mental and physical risks of a high profile exhibition match against his need to be in the ring.
ROCKY BALBOA stars Sylvester Stallone, Burt Young, MiloVentimiglia, Tony Burton, James Francis Kelly III, Antonio Tarver and Geraldine Hughes.
After a virtual boxing match declares Rocky Balboa the victor over current champion Mason "The Line" Dixon, the legendary fighter's passion and spirit are reignited. But when his desire to fight in small, regional competitions is trumped by promoters calling for a rematch of the cyber-fight, Balboa must weigh the mental and physical risks of a high profile exhibition match against his need to be in the ring.
ROCKY BALBOA stars Sylvester Stallone, Burt Young, MiloVentimiglia, Tony Burton, James Francis Kelly III, Antonio Tarver and Geraldine Hughes.
Ads Gone Wrong
Great as humor, bad as ads...
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
(Mobile Phones) Motorola's new MOTORIZR Z3
Motorola's slider, MOTORIZR Z3 combines a powerful digital imaging system with sophisticated multimedia features.
The slider glides open with a subtle push and the inside of the phone reveals a large, easy-to-use keypad. The phone features an integrated 2.0 megapixel digital camera with high intensity camera light and programmed point-and-shoot keys. With the landscape viewfinder and dedicated side camera key, the RIZR Z3 can be held and used just like a regular digital camera.
Other features of the slider are: built-in music player that supports a wide variety of music formats such as MP3, AAC, AAC+, and AAC+ enhanced; ability to transfer digital music via USB connection; and an optional Bluetooth stereo headset accessory for wire-free listening.
Quad-band technology allows seamless roaming across almost all countries and continents. The phone also incorporates multiple messaging capabilities like MMS and Instant Messaging (IM).
MRP of MOTORIZR Z3 is Rs 13,999.
Mukesh Ambani planning TV foray?
It is believed that Mukesh Ambani is in talks with Peter Mukerjea, the outgoing chief executive officer of the Star group, to start an entertainment and news channel.
It is said that Ambani may be financing a part of the project in his individual capacity rather than through any of his group companies.
The duo might also rope in Lachlan Murdoch, the estranged son of media tycoon Rupert Murdoch, for possible help and investments. Top executives from media and publishing might also be roped in for the venture.
It is said that Ambani may be financing a part of the project in his individual capacity rather than through any of his group companies.
The duo might also rope in Lachlan Murdoch, the estranged son of media tycoon Rupert Murdoch, for possible help and investments. Top executives from media and publishing might also be roped in for the venture.
(Joke) Memory loss
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
(Video) If Gandhiji could have communicated like this....
This ad has won many international awards, an excellent concept. Wonder why no ad agency in India could think of this concept before.
Click on the link below:
http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2004/winners/film/flv/11071.htm
Click on the link below:
http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2004/winners/film/flv/11071.htm
Sony's new 7.2 Megapixels Cyber-shot Digital Cameras
Sony has upgraded its Cyber-shot point-and-shoot cameras with four new models, all of which revolve around 7.2-megapixel sensors that capture sharper images than the 6-megapixel models of the company's current line. The W35 and W55 are powered by lithium-ion batteries that deliver roughly 380 shots per charge, which help keep the cameras running and also produces a slimmer shape. The new models also have Clear RAW, a noise reduction filter that cleans the image at higher ISO settings.
The two W-series models are separated primarily by screen and style, the W35 uses a 2-inch LCD and ships only in silver, while the uprated W55 will be available with a 2.5-inch LCD as well as optional black, blue, and pink metal shells. Both Cyber-shot W cameras are due for release in February at prices of $180 (W35) and $200 (W55).
The company also touted its S650 and S700 models, which are slightly thicker and use AA batteries to save cost as well as provide an easier way to power the camera when away from a wall outlet. The S650 begins the line with a 2-inch screen, which expands to 2.4 inches on the S700. Sony anticipates shipping the S650 at the same time as the W models for $150. The S700 will be ready later in March for $180.
Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy. The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say, dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Cricket
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers.
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say, dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Cricket
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers.
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Online identity theft and other internet threats & scams to watch out for
Phishing
Cyber-criminals use fraudulent email and web sites (known as mirror sites) that resemble online or retail sites. They are designed to fool users into revealing personal information, particularly credit card numbers, account numbers and passwords.
Pharming
Pharming is an advanced form of phising that redirects the connection between an IP address and its target server. The link is altered, so that every time users try to connect with an organization's proper site, they are secretly redirected to a mirror site, without ever having typed in the incorrect (fraudulent) address.
Keyloggers and password stealers
These terms refer to malicious programs that find their way onto the computers of their victims. Each program gathers certain keystrokes and can collect the name of the user, passwords, and other personal and confidential information. The malware then sends the data to the attackers, who use it fraudulently.
The Trojan family known as Haxdoor, A311 Death, or Backdoor-BAC are one of the most common advanced malware. On an infected machine, each Trojan captures network information and logins and waits for the user to browse a web site (usually financial) that requires authentication. When this occurs, the keylogger collects transaction data, such as username and password, and then sends the stolen data to a dedicated host that enters the stolen data into incremental log files.
Advance-fee fraud
Popularly know as 419-fraud, advance-fee fraud is one of the oldest and popular scam. Originating in Nigeria in the 1980s, this fraud, circulating through postal mail and fax, quickly crossed the borders within Africa. The unsuspecting email users receive an email message allegedly from a family member of an African dignitary. The writer explains that following the death of the dignitary, a large sum of money will be blocked somewhere. With the user's help, and using his or her financial backing for the funds transfer, the contact says that it would be possible to release the money. A substantial reward supposedly awaits those who accept the contract.
Also in this category of swindling come the email messages that announce to recipients that they have won lottery after their email addresses came up in a draw. These scams qualify as identity crimes because they involve collecting personal and bank information from the unsuspecting internet users who are gullible enough to respond to these solicitations.
Redirectors
These are malicious programs that redirect users' network traffic to locations they did not intend to visit.
Internal Revenue Service form
This one involves the W-9095 form, sometimes named the W-8888 form. Attached to an email, the fictitious form is often accompanied by a fax number, to which it must be quickly returned. The message also indicates that users may lose certain tax exemptions if they fail to respond within seven days.
Hardware
In March 2005, the UK police found out that the London office of the Japanese bank Sumitomo has been under attack from a group of hackers for several months. The investigators initially believed that the criminals had used a Trojan to get into the bank's network. However, after several days of investigation, they found a tiny keystroke-recording device inserted at the back of the computer (where keyboard cable connects to the PC).
Some common characteristics of these products are: Can holds up to 2MB in memory; undetectable by software; transparent to the targeted machine's operating system; capable of recovering material on any PC; Price range varies from $20 to $200, depending on the memory; instructions and material available to build the device.
Cyber-criminals use fraudulent email and web sites (known as mirror sites) that resemble online or retail sites. They are designed to fool users into revealing personal information, particularly credit card numbers, account numbers and passwords.
Pharming
Pharming is an advanced form of phising that redirects the connection between an IP address and its target server. The link is altered, so that every time users try to connect with an organization's proper site, they are secretly redirected to a mirror site, without ever having typed in the incorrect (fraudulent) address.
Keyloggers and password stealers
These terms refer to malicious programs that find their way onto the computers of their victims. Each program gathers certain keystrokes and can collect the name of the user, passwords, and other personal and confidential information. The malware then sends the data to the attackers, who use it fraudulently.
The Trojan family known as Haxdoor, A311 Death, or Backdoor-BAC are one of the most common advanced malware. On an infected machine, each Trojan captures network information and logins and waits for the user to browse a web site (usually financial) that requires authentication. When this occurs, the keylogger collects transaction data, such as username and password, and then sends the stolen data to a dedicated host that enters the stolen data into incremental log files.
Advance-fee fraud
Popularly know as 419-fraud, advance-fee fraud is one of the oldest and popular scam. Originating in Nigeria in the 1980s, this fraud, circulating through postal mail and fax, quickly crossed the borders within Africa. The unsuspecting email users receive an email message allegedly from a family member of an African dignitary. The writer explains that following the death of the dignitary, a large sum of money will be blocked somewhere. With the user's help, and using his or her financial backing for the funds transfer, the contact says that it would be possible to release the money. A substantial reward supposedly awaits those who accept the contract.
Also in this category of swindling come the email messages that announce to recipients that they have won lottery after their email addresses came up in a draw. These scams qualify as identity crimes because they involve collecting personal and bank information from the unsuspecting internet users who are gullible enough to respond to these solicitations.
Redirectors
These are malicious programs that redirect users' network traffic to locations they did not intend to visit.
Internal Revenue Service form
This one involves the W-9095 form, sometimes named the W-8888 form. Attached to an email, the fictitious form is often accompanied by a fax number, to which it must be quickly returned. The message also indicates that users may lose certain tax exemptions if they fail to respond within seven days.
Hardware
In March 2005, the UK police found out that the London office of the Japanese bank Sumitomo has been under attack from a group of hackers for several months. The investigators initially believed that the criminals had used a Trojan to get into the bank's network. However, after several days of investigation, they found a tiny keystroke-recording device inserted at the back of the computer (where keyboard cable connects to the PC).
Some common characteristics of these products are: Can holds up to 2MB in memory; undetectable by software; transparent to the targeted machine's operating system; capable of recovering material on any PC; Price range varies from $20 to $200, depending on the memory; instructions and material available to build the device.
Anxious Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
If Resumes' Told the Truth
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
* NETWORK MANAGEMENT (11/06-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
* DEBT CONSOLIDATION (7/05-10/06)
Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
* RESIDENT INHALER (9/03-6/05)
Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
* Solitaire
* Minesweeper
* On/Off Repair Method
HONORS AND AWARDS
* First Place in Hot Dog eating tournament
* Said Toast at brother's wedding
* Highest Score on Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
* NETWORK MANAGEMENT (11/06-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
* DEBT CONSOLIDATION (7/05-10/06)
Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
* RESIDENT INHALER (9/03-6/05)
Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
* Solitaire
* Minesweeper
* On/Off Repair Method
HONORS AND AWARDS
* First Place in Hot Dog eating tournament
* Said Toast at brother's wedding
* Highest Score on Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
Consumer labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
MIM — mobile instant messaging
Here’s yet another platform for teenagers to expand their online chat groups and stay connected 24/7. After SMS and MMS, you can now use your mobile phone for MIM — mobile instant messaging. In other words, now one needn’t be in front of a computer to get onto Yahoo chat or Messenger or Google Talk. A mobile handset is all one needs.
Though MIM will by and large provide the same service that wireline services of internet messengers (IM) currently provide, MIM will go a step ahead in that it will offer a link to IM users that would permit MIM users to chat with friends who are on laptops or PCs.
To access instant messaging, a customer needs to have a GPRS (web enabled handset) and the normal GPRS charges will be applicable depending on the usage. The service is not specific to English language users but would also be available to common users in their mother tongue.
Operators like BSNL, MTNL, Bharti Airtel, Hutch-Essar, Idea, Aircel, Reliance Telecom, Spice and BPL are expected to commercially launch this service in the next 3-4 weeks.
The MIM system has been designed and engineered by Jataayu software—an Indian software solution provider in partnership with Fastmobile, provider of integrated communications platforms and applications to the mobile industry.
The tariffs will be based on usage of bytes and tariffs will be on the lines of the GPRS services. Unlike SMS which is a store and forward method, users have to be online to chat on MIM.
Instant Me ssaging uses the internet in similar manner as chatting and does many other things. It combines the power of internet chat on the PC and brings it on to the small screen. Considering that India has a very low PC penetration, this will develop very fast on the mobile.
Human Resource Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Some more Sidhuisms
1. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.
3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."
5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.
6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
8. He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!
10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.
12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.
13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala...one falls and everything else falls!
16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.
17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.
18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
21. This was uttered after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."
22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."
5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.
6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
8. He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!
10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.
12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.
13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala...one falls and everything else falls!
16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.
17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.
18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
21. This was uttered after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."
22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
Listening Indian
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he`s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
Sony Ericsson's new "W200" Walkman phone
The W200 has a dedicated Walkman key that takes you straight to the Walkman player menu. It comes with a 128MB Memory Stick Micro (M2) card, which can be upgraded to higher storage capacity.
The W200 allows pre-setting of up to 20 radio stations and comes bundled with the color-matched Stereo Headset HPM-64, which is the first to feature Bass Reflex that preserves audio quality when the bass is turned up. The radio can also be used as an alarm clock with the in-built speakerphone.
The W200 is also a fully featured 'multi-media' phone. It has a VGA camera with 4x digital zoom and integrated photo album, full support for video messaging, a full HTML Web browser, and business-friendly tools such as push email and PC synchronisation.
The W200 Walkman phone is a GPRS 900/1800/1900 and GPRS 850/1800/1900 handset, and is expected to be available globally in two colors Rhythm Black and Pulse White, from Q2 2007.
The W200 allows pre-setting of up to 20 radio stations and comes bundled with the color-matched Stereo Headset HPM-64, which is the first to feature Bass Reflex that preserves audio quality when the bass is turned up. The radio can also be used as an alarm clock with the in-built speakerphone.
The W200 is also a fully featured 'multi-media' phone. It has a VGA camera with 4x digital zoom and integrated photo album, full support for video messaging, a full HTML Web browser, and business-friendly tools such as push email and PC synchronisation.
The W200 Walkman phone is a GPRS 900/1800/1900 and GPRS 850/1800/1900 handset, and is expected to be available globally in two colors Rhythm Black and Pulse White, from Q2 2007.
Apple introduces multimedia iPhone
Apple launched its take on the smart phone, a sleek device with a large screen that combines a phone, an iPod and instant messaging in a new push beyond computers.
Apple's iPhone has a single button and a 3.5-inch (9-cm) touch screen to navigate between playing songs and videos, displaying pictures, typing instant messages, or even making phone calls. The iPhone bears little resemblance to any other phone. It has just one pushbutton. Nearly everything else is controlled by touching icons that appear on the phone's large video screen.
The iPhone is thinner than some of the cellphone industry's sleekest devices, such as Motorola Inc.'s RAZR. It will cost $499 to $599 when it debuts in the United States, and is expected to hit Europe in the fourth quarter and Asia in 2008.
The iPhone is 11.6-millimeters (0.5-inches) thick, has five hours of continuous talk time and 15 hours for playing music, and includes a camera. It runs Apple's OS X operating system, has the Safari browser for Web access and e-mail functions that can handle graphics and work with external services.
The iPhone can connect to the Internet wirelessly via Wi-Fi and has Bluetooth, a short-range wireless technology that supports wireless headsets or links to devices like printers. The phone has a 2-megapixel camera and is designed to share information with Windows or Macintosh computers -- not only phone numbers, but photos, videos, and of course music, and it has built-in WiFi wireless networking . The iPhone's built-in browser is capable of showing Web pages just as they appear on a standard computer monitor. To zoom in on a particular part of the page, the user just taps it with a finger.
In 2008, Apple plans to sell 10 million iPhones, representing roughly 1 percent of the current annual mobile phone market of 1 billion units a year. Apple has now sold 70 million iPods and consumers have bought more than 2 billion songs for about 99 cents each on iTunes. More than 220 TV shows are also available on iTunes.
Who Is God?
There were four confused 9-year-old little boys, and they were very curious to find out things about God.
The first 9-year-old boy asked his mom, "Mommy, is God male or female?
The mom said, "Son, God is both male and female."
The next confused 9-year-old boy asked his mom, "Mommy, is God black or white?
The mom said, "God is both black and white."
Another confused 9-year-old boy asked his mom, "Mommy, is God gay or straight?"
And the mom said, "Son, God is both gay and straight."
The last confused 9-year-old little boy asked his mom, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"
The first 9-year-old boy asked his mom, "Mommy, is God male or female?
The mom said, "Son, God is both male and female."
The next confused 9-year-old boy asked his mom, "Mommy, is God black or white?
The mom said, "God is both black and white."
Another confused 9-year-old boy asked his mom, "Mommy, is God gay or straight?"
And the mom said, "Son, God is both gay and straight."
The last confused 9-year-old little boy asked his mom, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"
Top 60 soft skills at work
A governing body based in the US, conducted a survey recently. The results of the survey was called the Workforce Profile which found an across-the-board unanimous profile of skills and characteristics needed to make a good employee. The people most likely to be hired for available jobs have what employers call "soft skills".
The most common traits, mentioned by virtually every employer, were:
1. Positive work ethic.
2. Good attitude.
3. Desire to learn and be trained.
Most of the business leaders observed that they could find workers who have "hard skills" i.e. the capability to operate machinery or fulfill other tasks, but many potential hires lack the "soft skills" that a company needs.
Top 60 soft skills
They are applicable to any field of work, according to the study, and are the "personal traits and skills that employers state are the most important when selecting employees for jobs of any type."
1. Math.
2. Safety.
3. Courtesy.
4. Honesty.
5. Grammar.
6. Reliability.
7. Flexibility.
8. Team skills.
9. Eye contact.
10. Cooperation.
11. Adaptability.
12. Follow rules.
13. Self-directed.
14. Good attitude.
15. Writing skills.
16. Driver's license.
17. Dependability.
18. Advanced math.
19. Self-supervising.
20. Good references.
21. Being drug free.
22. Good attendance.
23. Personal energy.
24. Work experience.
25. Ability to measure.
26. Personal integrity.
27. Good work history.
28. Positive work ethic.
29. Interpersonal skills.
30. Motivational skills.
31. Valuing education.
32. Personal chemistry.
33. Willingness to learn.
34. Common sense.
35. Critical thinking skills.
36. Knowledge of fractions.
37. Reporting to work on time.
38. Use of rulers and calculators.
39. Good personal appearance.
40. Wanting to do a good job.
41. Basic spelling and grammar.
42. Reading and comprehension.
43. Ability to follow regulations.
44. Willingness to be accountable.
45. Ability to fill out a job application.
46. Ability to make production quotas.
47. Basic manufacturing skills training.
48. Awareness of how business works.
49. Staying on the job until it is finished.
50. Ability to read and follow instructions.
51. Willingness to work second and third shifts.
52. Caring about seeing the company succeed.
53. Understanding what the world is all about.
54. Ability to listen and document what you have heard.
55. Commitment to continued training and learning.
56. Willingness to take instruction and responsibility.
57. Ability to relate to coworkers in a close environment.
58. Not expecting to become a supervisor in the first six months.
59. Willingness to be a good worker and go beyond the traditional eight-hour day.
60. Communication skills with public, fellow employees, supervisors, and customers.
The most common traits, mentioned by virtually every employer, were:
1. Positive work ethic.
2. Good attitude.
3. Desire to learn and be trained.
Most of the business leaders observed that they could find workers who have "hard skills" i.e. the capability to operate machinery or fulfill other tasks, but many potential hires lack the "soft skills" that a company needs.
Top 60 soft skills
They are applicable to any field of work, according to the study, and are the "personal traits and skills that employers state are the most important when selecting employees for jobs of any type."
1. Math.
2. Safety.
3. Courtesy.
4. Honesty.
5. Grammar.
6. Reliability.
7. Flexibility.
8. Team skills.
9. Eye contact.
10. Cooperation.
11. Adaptability.
12. Follow rules.
13. Self-directed.
14. Good attitude.
15. Writing skills.
16. Driver's license.
17. Dependability.
18. Advanced math.
19. Self-supervising.
20. Good references.
21. Being drug free.
22. Good attendance.
23. Personal energy.
24. Work experience.
25. Ability to measure.
26. Personal integrity.
27. Good work history.
28. Positive work ethic.
29. Interpersonal skills.
30. Motivational skills.
31. Valuing education.
32. Personal chemistry.
33. Willingness to learn.
34. Common sense.
35. Critical thinking skills.
36. Knowledge of fractions.
37. Reporting to work on time.
38. Use of rulers and calculators.
39. Good personal appearance.
40. Wanting to do a good job.
41. Basic spelling and grammar.
42. Reading and comprehension.
43. Ability to follow regulations.
44. Willingness to be accountable.
45. Ability to fill out a job application.
46. Ability to make production quotas.
47. Basic manufacturing skills training.
48. Awareness of how business works.
49. Staying on the job until it is finished.
50. Ability to read and follow instructions.
51. Willingness to work second and third shifts.
52. Caring about seeing the company succeed.
53. Understanding what the world is all about.
54. Ability to listen and document what you have heard.
55. Commitment to continued training and learning.
56. Willingness to take instruction and responsibility.
57. Ability to relate to coworkers in a close environment.
58. Not expecting to become a supervisor in the first six months.
59. Willingness to be a good worker and go beyond the traditional eight-hour day.
60. Communication skills with public, fellow employees, supervisors, and customers.
Ten Tips for Protecting Your Computer
1. Use protection software "anti-virus software" and keep it up to date.
Make sure you have anti-virus software on your computer! Anti-virus software is designed to protect you and your computer against known viruses so you don't have to worry. But with new viruses emerging daily, anti-virus programs need regular updates, like annual flu shots, to recognize these new viruses. Be sure to update your anti-virus software regularly! The more often you keep it updated, say once a week, the better. Check with the web site of your anti-virus software company to see some sample descriptions of viruses and to get regular updates for your software. Stop viruses in their tracks!
2. Don't open email from unknown sources.
A simple rule of thumb is that if you don't know the person who is sending you an email, be very careful about opening the email and any file attached to it. Should you receive a suspicious email, the best thing to do is to delete the entire message, including any attachment. Even if you do know the person sending you the email, you should exercise caution if the message is strange and unexpected, particularly if it contains unusual hyperlinks. Your friend may have accidentally sent you a virus. Such was the case with the "I Love You" virus that spread to millions of people in 2001. When in doubt, delete!
3. Use hard-to-guess passwords.
Passwords will only keep outsiders out if they are difficult to guess! Don't share your password, and don't use the same password in more than one place. If someone should happen to guess one of your passwords, you don't want them to be able to use it in other places. The golden rules of passwords are:
(1) A password should have a minimum of 8 characters, be as meaningless as possible, and use uppercase letters, lowercase letters and numbers, e.g., xk28LP97.
(2) Change passwords regularly, at least every 90 days.
(3) Do not give out your password to anyone!
4. Protect your computer from Internet intruders -use "firewalls".
Equip your computer with a firewall! Firewalls create a protective wall between your computer and the outside world. They come in two forms, software firewalls that run on your personal computer and hardware firewalls that protect a number of computers at the same time. They work by filtering out unauthorized or potentially dangerous types of data from the Internet, while still allowing other (good) data to reach your computer. Firewalls also ensure that unauthorized persons can't gain access to your computer while you're connected to the Internet. You can find firewall hardware and software at most computer stores nationwide.
5. Don't share access to your computers with strangers.
Your computer operating system may allow other computers on a network, including the Internet, to access the hard-drive of your computer in order to "share files". This ability to share files can be used to infect your computer with a virus or look at the files on your computer if you don't pay close attention. So, unless you really need this ability, make sure you turn off file-sharing. Check your operating system and your other program help files to learn how to disable file sharing. Don't share access to your computer with strangers!
6. Disconnect from the Internet when not in use.
Remember that the Digital Highway is a two-way road. You send and receive information on it. Disconnecting your computer from the Internet when you're not online lessens the chance that someone will be able to access your computer. And if you haven't kept your anti-virus software up-to-date, or don't have a firewall in place, someone could infect your computer or use it to harm someone else on the Internet. Be safe and disconnect!
7. Back up your computer data.
Experienced computer users know that there are two types of people: those who have already lost data and those who are going to experience the pain of losing data in the future. Back up small amounts of data on floppy disks and larger amounts on CDs. If you have access to a network, save copies of your data on another computer in the network. Most people make weekly backups of all their important data. And make sure you have your original software start-up disks handy and available in the event your computer system files get damaged. Be prepared!
8. Regularly download security protection update "patches".
Most major software companies today have to release updates and patches to their software every so often. Sometimes bugs are discovered in a program that may allow a malicious person to attack your computer. When these bugs are discovered, the software companies, or vendors, create patches that they post on their web sites. You need to be sure you download and install the patches! Check your software vendors' web sites on a regular basis for new security patches or use the new automated patching features that some companies offer. If you don't have the time to do the work yourself, download and install a utility program to do it for you. There are available software programs that can perform this task for you.
9. Check your security on a regular basis.
The programs and operating system on your computer have many valuable features that make your life easier, but can also leave you vulnerable to hackers and viruses. You should evaluate your computer security at least twice a year. Look at the settings on applications that you have on your computer. Your browser software, for example, typically has a security setting in its preferences area. Check what settings you have and make sure you have the security level appropriate for you. Set a high bar for yourself!
10. Make sure your family members and/or your employees know what to do if your computer becomes infected.
It's important that everyone who uses a computer be aware of proper security practices. People should know how to update virus protection software, how to download security patches from software vendors and how to create a proper password. Make sure they know these tips too!
Make sure you have anti-virus software on your computer! Anti-virus software is designed to protect you and your computer against known viruses so you don't have to worry. But with new viruses emerging daily, anti-virus programs need regular updates, like annual flu shots, to recognize these new viruses. Be sure to update your anti-virus software regularly! The more often you keep it updated, say once a week, the better. Check with the web site of your anti-virus software company to see some sample descriptions of viruses and to get regular updates for your software. Stop viruses in their tracks!
2. Don't open email from unknown sources.
A simple rule of thumb is that if you don't know the person who is sending you an email, be very careful about opening the email and any file attached to it. Should you receive a suspicious email, the best thing to do is to delete the entire message, including any attachment. Even if you do know the person sending you the email, you should exercise caution if the message is strange and unexpected, particularly if it contains unusual hyperlinks. Your friend may have accidentally sent you a virus. Such was the case with the "I Love You" virus that spread to millions of people in 2001. When in doubt, delete!
3. Use hard-to-guess passwords.
Passwords will only keep outsiders out if they are difficult to guess! Don't share your password, and don't use the same password in more than one place. If someone should happen to guess one of your passwords, you don't want them to be able to use it in other places. The golden rules of passwords are:
(1) A password should have a minimum of 8 characters, be as meaningless as possible, and use uppercase letters, lowercase letters and numbers, e.g., xk28LP97.
(2) Change passwords regularly, at least every 90 days.
(3) Do not give out your password to anyone!
4. Protect your computer from Internet intruders -use "firewalls".
Equip your computer with a firewall! Firewalls create a protective wall between your computer and the outside world. They come in two forms, software firewalls that run on your personal computer and hardware firewalls that protect a number of computers at the same time. They work by filtering out unauthorized or potentially dangerous types of data from the Internet, while still allowing other (good) data to reach your computer. Firewalls also ensure that unauthorized persons can't gain access to your computer while you're connected to the Internet. You can find firewall hardware and software at most computer stores nationwide.
5. Don't share access to your computers with strangers.
Your computer operating system may allow other computers on a network, including the Internet, to access the hard-drive of your computer in order to "share files". This ability to share files can be used to infect your computer with a virus or look at the files on your computer if you don't pay close attention. So, unless you really need this ability, make sure you turn off file-sharing. Check your operating system and your other program help files to learn how to disable file sharing. Don't share access to your computer with strangers!
6. Disconnect from the Internet when not in use.
Remember that the Digital Highway is a two-way road. You send and receive information on it. Disconnecting your computer from the Internet when you're not online lessens the chance that someone will be able to access your computer. And if you haven't kept your anti-virus software up-to-date, or don't have a firewall in place, someone could infect your computer or use it to harm someone else on the Internet. Be safe and disconnect!
7. Back up your computer data.
Experienced computer users know that there are two types of people: those who have already lost data and those who are going to experience the pain of losing data in the future. Back up small amounts of data on floppy disks and larger amounts on CDs. If you have access to a network, save copies of your data on another computer in the network. Most people make weekly backups of all their important data. And make sure you have your original software start-up disks handy and available in the event your computer system files get damaged. Be prepared!
8. Regularly download security protection update "patches".
Most major software companies today have to release updates and patches to their software every so often. Sometimes bugs are discovered in a program that may allow a malicious person to attack your computer. When these bugs are discovered, the software companies, or vendors, create patches that they post on their web sites. You need to be sure you download and install the patches! Check your software vendors' web sites on a regular basis for new security patches or use the new automated patching features that some companies offer. If you don't have the time to do the work yourself, download and install a utility program to do it for you. There are available software programs that can perform this task for you.
9. Check your security on a regular basis.
The programs and operating system on your computer have many valuable features that make your life easier, but can also leave you vulnerable to hackers and viruses. You should evaluate your computer security at least twice a year. Look at the settings on applications that you have on your computer. Your browser software, for example, typically has a security setting in its preferences area. Check what settings you have and make sure you have the security level appropriate for you. Set a high bar for yourself!
10. Make sure your family members and/or your employees know what to do if your computer becomes infected.
It's important that everyone who uses a computer be aware of proper security practices. People should know how to update virus protection software, how to download security patches from software vendors and how to create a proper password. Make sure they know these tips too!
Doctor's Favourite Patients
Six surgeons were sitting at a conference discussing their favourite patients when the first stated that he especially enjoyed operating on poets and artists because...
"When I cut them open, they are filled with beautiful colours and the operating room is bathed in their light."
"No No!" said the second surgeon, "I prefer operating on accountants. Inside them, everything is neat and orderly and all the parts are numbered."
"Nah," said the third surgeon, "librarians are by far the best.
Everything inside them is ordered alphabetically."
The fourth responds: "Fellas, you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded!"
The fifth intercedes: "Personally, I prefer engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
"You're all wrong," said the sixth surgeon, "The best are lawyers. No guts, no spine, no heart...in fact, they only have two parts - their mouths and their rears, and both of those are interchangeable!"
"When I cut them open, they are filled with beautiful colours and the operating room is bathed in their light."
"No No!" said the second surgeon, "I prefer operating on accountants. Inside them, everything is neat and orderly and all the parts are numbered."
"Nah," said the third surgeon, "librarians are by far the best.
Everything inside them is ordered alphabetically."
The fourth responds: "Fellas, you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded!"
The fifth intercedes: "Personally, I prefer engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
"You're all wrong," said the sixth surgeon, "The best are lawyers. No guts, no spine, no heart...in fact, they only have two parts - their mouths and their rears, and both of those are interchangeable!"
The KGB assassin
The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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