What does the '95' in 'Windows 95' mean?

16. The number of seconds before it crashes.

15. The number of ships for shipping it.

14. The number of minutes to 'kill' the hard drive.

13. The percentage turnover rate for staff.

12. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.

11. The 95 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.

10. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.

9. The number of floppies it ships in.

8. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.

7. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.

6. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.

5. The number of minutes to install.

4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.

3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.

2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.

1. The year it was due to ship.

The Microsoft Waiter.

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Only in America...

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink! (and what's with the braille at the drive through ATM's?)

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke!

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!

Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage!

Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place!

Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight!

Sardar Jokes.

You can be sure the person is Sardar when he:
- Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
- Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
- Thinks socialism means partying.
- Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
- At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign here" he puts "Sagittarius."
- Sells the car for gas money.
- Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
- Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
* * * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone
* * * * * *
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?

Baptism.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Clinton and the Pope at the pearly gates.

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative mix up on the part of Yama, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem!

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why is that? It's not that great.

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness -- but you're about a day late.

A Woman's Work.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"