Cyber Geek Glossary.

Baud Rate : the rate your heart beat reaches as you impatiently wait for a web page to load.

Netgroup : a bunch of old bores endlessly discussing the weather.

Browser : a program which searches for the information you want but instead gives you a selection of pornography, advertisements and trivia.

Cookies : Files secretly planted on your P.C. as part of a computer master plan to take over the world.

Email : see junk mail.

Favorites : A massive list of long forgotten sites which once seemed crucially important.

Download : A technical term meaning theft and plagiarism.

Homepage : A glitzy, snazzy, brilliantly animated entrance to a completely dull, boring and pointless web site.

Local Area Network : The World Wide Web on a bad day.

Link : a connection which takes you from a useless site to a totally useless site.

Modem : a device which ties up your phone line for twenty four hours every day.

Snailmail : The use of trained molluscs to deliver letters.

Search Engine: A program which finds every web site except the one you lovingly created.

Servers : Powerful computers which conspire to keep you off the internet.

Surf : The act of moving around the Web using links until you’ve completely forgotten what you were looking for in the first place.

Web : A global collection of obsolete, inaccurate, worthless information.

The Greatest Lies in the World.

* The cheque's in the mail.
* I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
* I thought I already gave you that money I owed you.
* I promise I'll pay you back next Friday.
* I've never been this drunk before.
* I'll never get this drunk again.
* I've checked this Email out, and it's really not a hoax.
* Now we're even.
* I'm fine.
* We found and fixed the last bug!
* The software will ship on schedule.
* It was as simple as that.
* It's all your fault!
* I love you
* You don't need to use a condom; I'm on the Pill.
* I don't need to use a condom; I've had a vasectomy and tested negative for STDs.
* A representative of the government says...
* We'll have the repairs on your car done by noon.
* Operator, my calling card number is...
* You look like you haven't aged a day.
* No, I don't think that outfit makes you look fat.
* This is what it will cost to repair your car.
* If elected, I promise...
* You're going to love working here.
* I don't know what you're talking about.
* Nine out of ten people surveyed said...
* Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.
* I'll only take a minute of your time.
* Our cellular phones will give you more freedom...
* 100% compatible with your existing equipment.
* !!Make Money Fast!!
* Lose all the weight you want!
* I'm being totally unbiased.
* I promise I'll pull out in time.
* With all due respect...
* For your convenience...
* In order to serve you better...
* I'm planning to get a divorce so I can marry you.
* I'll call you.
* I never meant to mislead you.
* My wife (husband) is okay with me seeing other people; s/he just doesn't want to know about it.
* I'm not leaving you for him/her; I just need some space to think things through.
* This will only hurt a little.
* This will hurt me more than it does you.
* I'm doing this for your own good.
* It's only for a little while...
* I didn't mean any harm.
* Oh well, no harm done...
* It was an accident.
* I didn't do it.
* I don't know who did it.
* Free Adult XXX Web Site!!!
* No obligation!
* You may already be a winner!
* This product was made in an environmentally friendly manner.
* I know it's none of my business...
* I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but...
* This should be easy.
* To speak to a representative, press "9".
* It's nothing personal.
* This isn't partisan politics; it's for the good of the country.
* I'm not addicted; I can quit smoking any time I want.
* New and Improved!
* Trust me.
* That was special.

A Soviet Man of Letters.

Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Comrade, the reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."

"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev.

Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2. "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely--don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.

Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things started going badly--unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system, and bought himself some time that way.

But things continued on the downslide--Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more, the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschev's leadership and upstarts like Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.

All it said was: "Write two letters."

Borrowing The Car.

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Santa Banta bid for the Channel Tunnel.

When tenders were floated for the Channel Tunnel to connect England & France, many international construction companies vied with one another to get the contract. The stakes were very high; the job of digging and building expertise. Tenders were opened by the Board of Directors of the Anglo-French corporation which had taken on the project. British builders' estimates were over 200 million dollars; French & German builders were marginally lower.

There was one from India: Singh & Singh Builders whose estimate was only 5 million dollars. The Board was for ignoring the Indian tender but out of curiosity invited Singh & Singh over to discuss the plans. Banta Singh & Santa Singh of Singh & Singh Builders appeared before the Board.

The Chairman asked them "Have you any experience of undertaking this kind of work?"

"Indeed we have," replied the two Singhs, "we bored a lot of tubewells in the Punjab & Haryana. We can bore holes anywhere."

"This is not as simple. How will you connect the tunnel from the English side to the French?"

"Simple," replied Santa Singh, "Banta Singh will dig from the French end & I from the English."

The Chairman was flabbergasted. "You don't realise that it will need a lot of accurate calculation to get the two tunnels to meet at the same point under the channel. Other companies' estimates are over 200 million dollars each & you think you can do the same job for 5 million dollars. How will that be possible?"

"What is bothering you?" demanded Singh & Singh, "if our two tunnels don't meet, instead of one we will give you two tunnels."

Suite Revenge.

Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do...

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

The Job Application.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''